• MLS roundup: New York 2-0 Los Angeles.
• Lamar Hunt U.S. Open Cup Final: Seattle 2-0 Chicago.
• Manchester United captain Rio Ferdinand has played down reports linking him with the Chicago Fire.
• Arsenal goalkeeper Wojciech Szczesny would welcome the chance to join Barcelona.
• Tottenham striker Emmanuel Adebayor isn’t bothered by abusive chanting from fans.
• Spurs midfielder Rafael van der Vaart doesn’t want manager Harry Redknapp to play him on the wings or to talk about his injuries.
• Liverpool striker Luis Suarez has ruled out Liverpool’s chances of winning the title this season. Thanks, Luis.
• Aston Villa captain Stilyan Petrov thinks that Villa striker Gabriel Agbonlahor compares favorably with Cristiano Ronaldo.
• Blackburn manager Steve Kean has denied that his recent conversation with Blackburn’s owners was related to his job performance.
• The Johnstone Paint Trophy match between Accrington Stanley and Tranmere was abandoned after Accrington defender Tom Bender received a serious concussion, immobilizing him on the pitch for a half hour.
• Leicester City manager Sven-Goran Eriksson is interested in signing David Beckham on an incentive based contract.
• PSG are also reportedly close to signing Beckham.
• AC Milan striker Zlatan Ibrahimovic is becoming bored with football and is looking forward to retirement.
• Ajax striker Kolbeinn Sigthorsson will be out until January with a broken ankle.

• English Premier League roundup: Norwich 2-1 Sunderland.
• Carling will end their 14-year sponsorship of the League Cup after this season.
• Manchester United manager Sir Alex Ferguson doesn’t like that his team’s on TV all the time and would prefer people just pay the club and leave them alone.
• Dimitar Berbatov will return to Manchester United’s starting lineup when they play Basel today because all of there other strikers are hurt.
• Manchester City will lay a wreath at the Munich memorial for the 1958 Manchester United air crash. Classy.
• Arsenal could be without midfielder Jack Wilshere until February.
• Arsenal will be without Gervinho, Laurent Koscielny, and Theo Walcott when they face Olympiakos on Wednesday.
• Liverpool striker Dirk Kuyt is disappointed at losing his starting spot to Jordan Henderson.
• Liverpool midfielder Lucas Leiva doesn’t think that Jordan Henderson will suck forever.
• Newcastle have locked down midfielder Jonas Gutierrez to a four year deal.
• Real Betis lost their perfect record to Getafe.
• Real Mallorca manager Michael Laudrup has stepped down after a year in charge at the club.

• English Premier League roundup: QPR 0-0 Newcastle.
• Chelsea manager Andre Villas-Boas plans on asking Fernando Torres some pointed questions about an interview he gave in Spain where he called Chelsea’s older players slow.
• Arsenal midfielder Aaron Ramsey injured his ankle in training and won’t be fit to face Borussia Dortmund. Because, seriously, all the cool kids at Arsenal are getting hurt these days, and he was feeling left out.
• Tottenham left attacker Rafael van der Vaart out of their Europa League squad, meaning he’s ineligible to play in any of their group stage matches.
• Tottenham captain Michael Dawson will miss two months with an Achilles injury.
• Liverpool defender Glen Johnson reinjured his hamstring in the nine minutes he was on the field against Stoke and will miss five more weeks.
• QPR midfielder Joey Barton was given the captain’s armband for QPR’s scoreless draw against Newcastle; Barton arrived at QPR on a free transfer amidst some acrimony only a few weeks ago.
• Barcelona midfielder Andres Iniesta doesn’t expect AC Milan midfielder Mark van Bommel to be as much of an asshole as he was in the World Cup final.
• AC Milan striker Zlatan Ibrahimovic is “injured” and won’t be able to face Barcelona on his return to the Camp Nou.
• Bayern Munich winger Arjen Robben won’t face Villareal in their Champions League clash tomorrow due to an injury. Why hasn’t Arsenal signed him yet?
• Bayer Leverkeusen midfielder Michael Ballack is still haunted by that one time in 2008 when Chelsea lost the Champions League final to Manchester United.
• The U.S. national team have scheduled a friendly against Ecuador on October 11th in New Jersey.

• UEFA Champions League playoff roundup (teams in bold advance): APOEL 3-1 Wisła Kraków, Genk 2-1 Maccabi Haifa (4-1 on penalties), Malmo 2-0 Dinamo Zagreb, Villareal 3-0 Odense, FC Zurich 0-1 Bayern Munich.
• CONCACAF Champions League roundup: Real Espana 1-1 Colorado, Monterrey 0-1 Seattle.
• Carling Cup First Round roundup: Crystal Palace 2-0 Crawley, Bristol 1-1 Watford (Bristol wins 4-2 on penalties), Charlton 2-1 Reading. These matches were postponed two weeks ago due to rioting.
• Carling Cup Second Round roundup: Millwall 2-0 Morecambe, Bury 2-4 Leicester City, AFC Bournemouth 1-4 West Brom, Aston Villa 2-0 Hereford, Brighton & Hove Albion 1-0 Sunderland (aet), Shrewsbury Town 3-1 Swansea City, Norwich 0-4 MK Dons, Northampton 0-4 Wolves, Wycombe 1-4 Nottingham Forest, Burnley 3-2 Barnet (aet), Doncaster 1-2 Leeds, Cardiff 5-3 Huddersfield (aet), QPR 0-2 Rochdale.
• Holland (whose recent friendly against England was cancelled due to rioting) have surpassed Spain on FIFA’s rankings as the world’s top-ranked national team.
• Manchester United manager Sir Alex Ferguson thinks everyone should just leave under pressure Arsenal manager Arsene Wenger alone.
• Chelsea have lodged a £16.6 million bid for Porto wing back Alvaro Pereira.
• New Chelsea striker Romelu Lukaku looks forward to learning about sitting on the bench and watching Fernando Torres not score from Didier Drogba.
• Arsenal midfielder Jack Wilshere is still three weeks away from return with a recurring ankle issue.
• Arsene Wenger’s two match UEFA suspension is on hold after Arsenal lodged an appeal, meaning Wenger will be allowed in the dugout when Arsenal take on Udinese later today.
• Tottenham may be interested in signing Liverpool midfielder Joe Cole.
• Liverpool have formally submitted an £8 million bid to Uruguayan champions Nacional for centerback Sebastian Coates.
• Liverpool manager Kenny Dalglish is going to be pissed if Liverpool lose to freaking Exeter City in the Carling Cup today.
• Newcastle have given midfielder Joey Barton permission to hold talks with QPR.
• Blackburn have signed Sporting winger Simon Vukcevic for £2 million.
• Deposed Blackburn striker El-Hadji Diouf thinks that Steve Kean is screwing up Blackburn. When El-Hadji Diouf is the party that makes the most sense in an argument, the situation is officially out of control.
• Real Madrid manager Jose Mourinho could have a multi-match ban imposed upon him for poking Barcelona assistant Tito Vilanova in the eye during the second leg of the Spanish Super Cup.
• Striker Giuseppe Rossi scored twice to put Villareal through to the Champions League group stage.
• NK Maribor have accused Rangers of illegally fielding Carlos Bocanegra in the Europa League last week; Rangers lost the match 2-1.
• The transfer of Inter striker Samuel Eto’o to Russia’s Anzhi Makhachkala has been completed for £21.8 million; the three-year deal will see Eto’o earn £17.9 million a year after tax.
• Inter may be planning on replacing Eto’o with Lazio striker Mauro Zarate.

What you missed while dolphins were wearing jellyfish as hats…

• MLS roundup: Philadelphia 1-2 Colorado, Vancouver 0-4 Los Angeles, Sporting KC 1-1 New England, Houston 3-1 Seattle, RSL 0-2 Columbus, San Jose 0-2 DC United, Portland 2-2 Toronto FC, FC Dallas 1-0 Chivas USA.
• Manchester United winger Antonio Valencia has signed a contract extension with the club.
• Manchester City malcontent Mario Balotelli doesn’t like living in Manchester. I know that’s shocking, try and wrap your head around it.
• Arsenal midfielder Jack Wilshere hopes that Arsene Wenger starts spending some money sometime soon.
• Spurs striker Roman Pavlyuchenko fears for his future at White Hart Lane; no word on whether that means he’s afraid he’ll be sold or afraid he’ll have to stay there.
• Liverpool midfielder Steven Gerrard will be out until at least September after his troublesome groin injury developed an infection. I’ve heard so much about Gerrard’s groin this summer that I feel like I must be violating some sort of superinjunction just writing about it.
• Liverpool manager Kenny Dalglish won’t be rushing Luis Suarez back into training after his victorious return from the Copa America.
• Bolton will be without midfielder Lee Chung-yong for nine months after the South Korean international suffered a double fracture of his right leg in a friendly on Saturday.
• Bolton manager Owen Coyle would prefer if big clubs interested in centerback Gary Cahill would just buy him and get it over with already.
• Blackburn have agreed to a £2 million fee with Dundee United for striker David Goodwillie.
• New West Ham captain Kevin Nolan hopes to return to the Premier League next season.
• Barcelona midfielder Ibrahim Afellay will miss five weeks with a left thigh muscle tear.
• Real Madrid manager Jose Mourinho will serve three of his five game Champions League ban; the other two matches will be suspended for three years.
• Valencia are in talks with Real Madrid about a deal for midfielder Sergio Canales.
• Fiorentina goalkeeper Sebastien Frey has finalized a transfer move to Genoa; Frey is also reportedly taking a wage cut as part of the deal.
• Roma have finalized the transfer of Ajax goalkeeper Maarten Stekelenburg.
• Palermo playmaker Javier Pastore is reportedly “very close” to joining PSG for what could be a French record €43 million fee.
• PSG have also announced the signing of Juventus midfielder Mohamed Sissoko and Palermo goalkeeper Salvatore Sirigu.
• The Los Angeles Galaxy’s win over Portland extended their unbeaten streak to fourteen games.
• Midfielder Dwayne De Rosario was the pivotal figure for DC United in their 2-0 road win over San Jose; according to Fox Soccer Report this morning, DC United haven’t lost a road game since April.

• Sergio Aguero may be a Manchester City transfer target.
• Liverpool manager Kenny Dalglish has left Liverpool’s tour of Asia to complete the signing of Aston Villa winger Stewart Downing. It’s okay, though, Liverpool managing director Ian Ayre has confirmed that Liverpool will tour Asia in 2012 and 2013 as well, so it’s not like he won’t have another chance to see Malaysia.
• Aston Villa have submitted a £10 million bid for Wigan winger Charles N’Zogbia.
• Blackburn have reached personal terms with free agent striker Mariano Pavone.
• West Ham striker Carlton Cole has failed to come to personal terms with Stoke City, scuttling a proposed £4.5 million transfer.
• Porto have extended the contract of striker Radamel Falcao through 2015.
• Seattle have extended the contract of manager Sigi Schmid through 2015.

• Manchester United transfer target David De Gea has hinted that he wouldn’t really mind staying at Atletico Madrid next season.
• Porto manager Andre Villas-Boas has joined Chelsea on a three-year deal (or, one year if he doesn’t win the treble this year).
• Manchester City striker Emmanuel Adebayor is a transfer target for…Zenit St. Petersburg.
• Manchester City captain Carlos Tevez WAS a transfer target for Inter until Inter saw the pricetag and wages that Tevez would demand to come to Milan and pout for two years.
• Aston Villa have opted to not exercise the “buy” option on Michael Bradley’s loan deal.
• Blackburn striker Nikola Kalinic may quit Blackburn due to a lack of playing time under manager Steve Kean.
• Sunderland have signed 20-year old South Korean striker Ji Dong-won from Chunnan Dragons for £2.2 million.
• Barcelona striker Jeffren may not stay at Barcelona, but he sure as hell doesn’t want to go to Udinese.
• Espanyol have signed Mexican defender Hector Moreno from AZ Alkmaar.
• Real Salt Lake midfielder Jean Alexandre has been fined $500 and suspended for a game for a reckless tackle against DC United on Saturday.
• Porto chairman Pinto da Costa fears a mass exodus of players following Andre Villas-Boas’ departure.

What you missed while getting ready for a future of jellyfish meals…

• English Premier League roundup: Manchester City 1-0 Tottenham.
• The Qatar World Cup bid team has denied allegations that they purchased votes; they see the money spent as more of an “investment” than a “purchase”.
• Manchester City’s win over Spurs guarantees them fourth place and Champions League football next season.
• In spite of his late appearance against Spurs, City captain Carlos Tevez is not guaranteed a start in the FA Cup Final on Saturday.
• Manchester City manager Roberto Mancini is interested in bringing Cesc Fabregas and Zlatan Ibrahimovic to Eastlands next season.
• Manchester United manager Sir Alex Ferguson will give Darren Fletcher a chance to prove himself ahead of the Champions Leage final.
• In a move that shocks nobody, Manchester United plan on playing a reserve side against Blackpool on the final day of the season to prepare for the Champions League final. Ian Holloway isn’t expected to complain about the hypocrisy of not fining United for fielding a weakened side.
• Chelsea midfielder Michael Essien will end his self-imposed retirement from the Ghanaian national team when he plays against Congo next month.
• Liverpool have edged ahead of Manchester United in the imaginary race to sign Aston Villa winger Ashley Young for £15 million.
• Roque Santa Cruz hopes to continue not scoring for Blackburn next season.
• Birmingham goalkeeper Ben Foster will take a break from sitting on the bench for England to focus on actually playing for Birmingham.
• Birmingham have announced a preseason tour of Tanzania.
• 35-year old Wolves defender Jody Craddock will decide whether or not to play another year at the end of this season.
• Real Madrid phenom Cristiano Ronaldo scored his seventh hat trick of the season in Real Madrid’s 4-0 dismantling of Real Getafe Getafe Team Dubai; Ronaldo is now five goals ahead of Lionel Messi in the league scorers table, so he’s clearly the better player and we should really just give the La Liga title to Real Madrid, since that’s really all that matters.
• The mother of deposed Real Madrid playmaker Kaka has announced on Twitter that she’ll be in London this August, which has made everyone think that Kaka’s going to move to Chelsea.
• A return to Serie A “[isn't] on the cards” for Wolfsburg defender Simon Kjaer.
• AC Milan’s shot at the league-cup double was ended by a loss to Palermo in the Italian Cup semifinal last night.
• AC Milan have confirmed that Olympique Marseille defender Taye Taiwo and Roma centerback Philippe Mexes will join the club on free transfers this summer.
• Milan midfielder Gennaro Gattuso had some pointed things to say about former manager Leonardo’s decision to join rivals Inter Milan, but since apparently nobody at FourFourTwo speaks Italian I have no idea what those things were.
• Napoli striker Edinson Cavani has been handed a three-match ban for whatever it was he did Sunday.
• Lille’s 2-1 win over Saint-Étienne gives them a seven point lead at the top of Ligue 1 with three games to play.
• Benfica’s president has blamed their lackluster season on excessive partying following their title-winning season last year.

• English Premier League roundup: Birmingham 2-0 Sunderland, Blackpool 1-3 Wigan, Everton 2-0 Blackburn, West Brom 1-3 Chelsea, West Ham 1-2 Aston Villa, Arsenal 1-1 Liverpool.
• FA Cup semifinal roundup (winners advance to the final): Manchester City 1-0 Manchester United, Bolton 0-5 Stoke City.
• MLS roundup: Philadelphia 1-1 Seattle, Toronto FC 0-3 DC United, Vancouver 0-0 Chivas USA, Columbus 1-0 Sporting KC, New York 3-0 San Jose, Chicago 1-2 Los Angeles, Portland 3-2 FC Dallas, Houston 1-0 New England.
• Tottenham winger Gareth Bale has won the PFA Player of the Year award.
• Manchester City manager Roberto Mancini senses a new beginning for Manchester City after advancing to their first final in 35 years.
• Manchester United have lost Paul Scholes for their crucial fixture against Arsenal after the playmaker was sent off for kicking Paulo Zabaleta in the thigh.
• Stoke City manager Tony Pulis says his team is “full of confidence” ahead of the FA Cup final.
• Arsene Wenger wasn’t impressed with the penalty call against Emmanuel Eboue in the 102nd minute of Arsenal’s draw with Liverpool.
• Liverpool winger Dirk Kuyt has extended his contract with the club through 2013.
• After not playing at Barcelona, Wolfsburg, and Birmingham, former Gunners midfielder Alexander Hleb is hoping to return to Arsenal next season.
• Blackburn manager Steve Kean thinks his team needs to “transfer anger into positive energy” if they want to avoid the drop. Fortunately for Kean, the club’s new owners don’t appear interested in transferring poor results into sackings.
• Barcelona midfielder Xavi has blamed Barcelona’s draw with Real Madrid on the fact that Real Madrid actually gameplanned and came out with a strategy this time around Real Madrid’s negative tactics.
• Real Madrid manager Jose Mourinho and the Madrid press are having a lover’s quarrel.
• Borussia Dortmund’s 3-0 win over Freiburg and Bayer Leverkeusen’s 5-1 loss to Bayern Munich have given Dortmund an eight point lead at the top of the Bundesliga table.
• Hamburg striker Ruud van Nistelrooy has been ruled out for the season with a torn calf muscle.
• AC Milan striker Pato will miss three weeks with a right thigh strain.
• Sampdoria’s team bus was attacked by Sampdoria fans following Sampdoria’s 3-0 loss to AC Milan.
• A penalty miss from Edinson Cavani in a 2-1 loss to Udinese has left Napoli six points behind AC Milan in Serie A’s title race.
• PSV Eindhoven are your new Eredivisie table leaders.
• Olympiakos celebrated their 100% home record after beating relegated Larissa 6-0. On other news, “Relegated Larissa” would be a cool band name.
• New York striker Thierry Henry scored his first goal of the season against San Jose over the weekend; New York striker Luke Rodgers set up Henry’s goal and scored twice himself to give the Red Bulls the win.
• Portland striker Kenny Cooper – formerly of FC Dallas – scored against his former club in Portland’s second home win in three days.
• Charlie Davies scored his fifth goal of the season in DC United’s 3-0 win over Toronto; United striker Chris Pontius got the other two.

• UEFA Champions League quarterfinal roundup (bolded teams advance): Manchester United 2-1 Chelsea, Shakhtar Donetsk 0-1 Barcelona.
• Manchester United striker Wayner Rooney thinks that Ryan Giggs should be knighted.
• Chelsea manager Carlo Ancelotti is uncertain of his future with the club after being knocked out of the Champions League.
• Ancelotti hinted in his press conference that starting misfiring striker Fernando Torres may have been a tactical error.
• Chelsea goalkeeper Petr Cech has called for the team to finish the season strongly in spite of the fact that they don’t have anything left to play for.
• Chelsea are likely to respond to this loss by selling off older talent at the club over the summer.
• Lionel Messi’s goal against Shakhtar puts him on pace for a 50 goal season; it’s his 48th goal in 46 games.
• Real Madrid manager Jose Mourinho thinks that Tottenham will have to score six goals to advance to the Champions League semifinals. Mourinho also reiterated his desire to return to England at some point in his managerial career.
• Spurs playmaker Luka Modric doesn’t think that being knocked out of the Champions League will trigger an exodus of talent from the club.
• Arsenal playmaker Jack Wilshere doesn’t plan on leaving for Manchester City in the summer.
• Arsenal legend Ian Wright believes that Stan Kroenke’s takeover of the club means that Arsene Wenger will have to spend money on the transfer market this season.
• Goalkeeper Wojciech Szczesny and defender Johan Djourou may both be in Arsenal’s lineup against Liverpool on Sunday.
• Liverpool debutant John Flanagan predicts an influx of academy talent at Anfield.
• Liverpool’s most recent accounts reveal that The New York Times owns a 16.58% stake in the club.
• Everton midfielder Marouane Fellaini is “ready and waiting” to sign a new deal with the club.
• Sunderland winger Ahmed Elmohamady wants to move to the club permanently this summer; Elmohamady is currently on loan from Egypt’s ENPPI Club.
• West Ham and striker Benni McCarthy have mutually agreed to terminate his contract; McCarthy failed to score in his fourteen appearances with the club.
• Fulham could return to the Europa League via the Fair Play criteria.
• Newcastle manager Alan Pardew has denied rumors that the club has sold left back Jose Enrique to Liverpool.
• Blackpool plan to expand Bloomfield Road’s capacity by 500 seats regardless of whether or not they’re relegated.
• A stress fracture in the foot of Sevilla winger Jesus Navas has ruled him out for the season.
• Struggling Bundesliga title leaders Borussia Dortmund will be without striker Lucas Barrios when they play Freiburg this weekend after he suffered a groin injury against Hamburg over the weekend; Dortmund are holding on to a five point lead after having won one of their last four matches.
• Hoffenheim manager Marco Pezzaiuoli will leave at the end of the season; the Bundesliga side have only won one of their last eight games.
• St. Pauli manager Holger Stanislawski will resign at the end of the season to replace Marco Pezzaiuoli at Hoffenheim; Stanislawski has been with St. Pauli for 18 years as both a player and a manager.
• Los Angeles Galaxy midfielder David Beckham may return for another season in MLS.
• Today’s Toronto FC – Los Angeles Galaxy match marks the first time in five years Beckham has played in Toronto.