Avoiding the Drop

Arnie Wagner sends out emails to the supporters after each league match.  God bless his French heart, he does it week in, week out, win or lose.  Let’s have fun with the latest one, FJM-style.

Dear Supporter,

I was asked after Saturday’s game whether we missed Robin van Persie but I don’t think we can blame that for our 1-0 defeat.

No, we cannot blame a goal-less game on the loss of our leading goal-scorer and striker/talisman.  Nope, shouldn’t ever even DREAM it.

We lost a game where we can only fault ourselves because we didn’t score, some players were not at their best and we gave a goal away on the only situation where Sunderland could score – on a set piece.

International breaks make me want to cry.  Cesc, Andrey, Gallas…too many minutes for their countries to try to make a useless Summer tournament.  Steve Bruce, you fat piece of gob, your lot can ONLY score on set pieces, which we don’t even WORK ON.  So there.

I believe it’s more down to the fact that we made a big mistake on their corner because the game was there for the taking in the last 20 minutes. But of course, when you’re behind, it makes it more difficult.

I just said I don’t work on set pieces.  ARE YOU DEAF?  Oh, and by the way, this is the part where I start the “they played negatively after their RIDICULOUSLY FLUKE OF A CRAP SET PIECE GOAL” bit.

Going forward we lacked sharpness and desire to go behind the defenders. We had chosen the easy part of the game, that is to always come to the ball and not to be exposed. But in football, if you want to score goals, you have to go behind the defenders.

Everyone was dog-tired.  Stupid World Cup qualifying, honestly.  I guess my biggest worry is that occasionally the captain and that little Russian don’t show up fully ready to dominate in the Wenger Arsenal way.  Lazy.  Well, that’s it, I’ve had it.  No brie and toast this week after training.  Oh, and since Liege is coming in, NO BELGIAN CHOCOLATES.  No, I’m not kidding.  Okay, maybe some chocolates, but NO BRIE.

I didn’t feel really under threat from Sunderland and if you look at what they created on Saturday you would be surprised. If you take a distance and you watch this game again, emotions away from the game, you will be surprised how little they created. But they took their chance because in some way they wanted it more than us.

They suck, we’re awesome, but you know that.  By some unholy pact with Satan, they scored this goal that bounced off like eight of our players, hit both posts and our keeper had all ten fingers on it before it trickled over.  TRUST ME.  That side, despite being in 8th place, is just pathetic.  I cannot fathom how Spurs got 9 against those world beaters from Wigan, while we couldn’t beat this League 2 equivalent side.  WHERE IS THE JUSTICE, GOD?  WHERE?

Sunderland were aggressive but you expect that. I think that they tried to stop us from playing, sometimes on the fringes of the rule, but that’s part of the game.

Steve Bruce is just an extension of that evil Ferguson, and by that extension, he is borne out of the Hellmouth.  They are filthy, filthy cheaters who won’t let us run free and complete 20 passes in a row should be banned from ever playing again (or even watching it on television) for their negative awful ways.  I HATE THEM SO MUCH.  Cheaters.

We are eight points behind Chelsea now but we have a game in hand. I didn’t expect them to drop points against Wolves at all. It’s very different when you have an international break and then play away from home. I feel there’s a massive difference. If we had played Sunderland at home, we would have won the game.

Oh, and Premier League schedule-makers, you are also the worst people I’ve ever seen.  HOW DARE YOU MAKE US TRAVEL?  Look, there are four other teams in London, can’t we just play them?  It’s just so unfair.  I think I need a tissue.  I hate you.

It’s important to win our next game on Tuesday night. We must forget about Chelsea until we have played Standard Liege.

We just made this week so much more difficult.  And I was really hoping to get a start on my Christmas shopping.  DAMN YOU DARREN BENT!  Remind me to set a flaming bag of dog poo on Redknapp’s door for selling that EVIL PERSON.

Thanks for your continued support.

Arnie, it’s my pleasure, mate.