That’s right, seven things, not ten. This isn’t about making a nice, “round” list, it’s about things that drive me crazy in the game I love. Things that, if I ever become omnipotent, I will end with great haste and force.
Pulling one’s socks over one’s knees
In my experience, this is most prevalent in Central and South America, and Southern Europe. Within that group, goalkeepers tend to be the most egregious offenders. There is even a Mexican compnay- Rinat- that makes socks that are intentionally designed to be pulled above the knee! To me, football is a game played in a shirt, shorts, and socks, not a shirt, shorts, and thigh high stockings. If you want to commit this sartorial abomination, confine your play to the kind of pick-up matches where people play in cut-off sweatpants, running sneakers, and where there’s always that one guy wearing “Rec.-Specs.” Actually, come to think of it, that one guy might wear all of those things at once.
Goalkeepers who wear full length pants
Is it bitterly cold? Okay, wear long pants. Are you playing on an artificial surface. Fine, cover up. The pitch is bald/bumpy/rocky? No problem. Otherwise, stop. This isn’t the MISL and you’re not Zoltán Tóth- or even Shep Messing.
Managers who use headsets, walkie-talkies, or cellphones during matches
If you sit on the “bench” (and that’s a whole different issue that I don’t want to get into right now- Recaro seats? Really?) with your players and your assistants you won’t need any electronic assistance, and you know what? You can actually do some coaching during the match! Don’t get me wrong, there are plenty of coaches who still coach during matches- Martin O’Neill comes to mind- but I’m sick of seeing Big Sam sitting in the stands on his “mobile” and Phil Brown and his creepy flesh-colored headset. And in case you’re wondering, I think all NFL coaches should wear suits and hats and never come near a headset. See, I’m consistent.
The remaining items are often forgiven, or at least accepted as “gamesmanship.” I’m having none of it- at all.
Diving
I’m not just talking about within the 18 yard box, I’m taking about anywhere on the field. Stay on your feet. I’m old enough that I can actually remember a time when staying on one’s feet was a point of pride with players. I still get embarrassed if I get knocked off my feet while playing indoor, no matter how legitimate the contact might be. Not only is it classless to dive, but how many times have you been watching a match and thought, “If he only stayed up he might have scored!” What can happen when a player chooses to stay up? Did you see Robert van Persie’s goal this weekend? That’s what can happen.
Also, players, remember that you are on television. If you catch a weak forearm to the torso and you clutch your face as if you were stabbed in the eye, we’re only going to have to wait as long as it takes to get the replay up to see what a phony you are. Also, the “magic sponge” isn’t funny anymore. If you need a breather, each team gets three substitutes- raise your hand and get the coach to pull you off the field.
Don’t get me wrong, as a fan, player, and coach, I don’t think there’s anything wrong with putting the defender in a position where he has to foul you in order to stop you. Throwing yourself to the ground and rolling around like an idiot because somebody exhaled on you, not okay.
Here’s a tip for the whole diving or “simulation” issue. Consider this before embarrassing yourself and the game: what would Brian McBride do?
Stalling on throw-ins
I’m not talking about situations where the the ball wasn’t clearly off one team or the other or the official is slow to make the call. I’m talking about when the situation is clear cut- the ball last touched “Team A” and the throw-in is to be taken by “Team B” and a Team A player picks up the ball, makes as though it’s his throw, pretends to be shocked when he’s told it’s not and then walks away with the ball before tossing the ball “near” but not actually “to” the player who should be taking the throw-in. There are those who will say it’s “no big deal” and that the player is just trying to buy some time for his teammates to mark up or get back into formation, but again, I’m not having it. Flip the ball to the player or set it down on the line. Either way, grow up and GET ON WITH IT.
Standing in front of a player on a free kick
I know, I know, the player is just trying to buy time for his team to get set to defend the kick or he had to ask the official a really important question and could only do so from that very spot in front of the ball. Sorry, no. Where it up to me- instant yellow card for the player blocking the kick. And while we’re on the subject, defenders who set up the wall five yards from the ball and then look shocked when the referee insists on moving them back another five yards- stop. Nobody said football players are geniuses- I’m looking at you Wayne Rooney- but c’mon.
Walking away from a card
Seriously, has this ever worked? Has a referee ever looked up from his little notepad and thought, “Wait. Who committed that foul? They’re all wearing the same outfits…I’m so confused.” Show some class, take your medicine (whether you think you deserved it or not), and let the game get back underway. Not only doesn’t walking away from your yellow card work, it’s obnoxious. If any player I’ve ever coached tried to pull this kind of nonsense the card would only be the beginning of their problems.
So, there’s plenty of you out there that love this game as much as I do, what drives you crazy?
Can I add short corners to the list? I cannot remember the last time I saw a short corner that led to a goal. If you need to be 6 yards closer in order to put a decent ball into the box, then maybe you shouldn’t be taking corners.
The best is when a corner is kicked short and the player plays it right back to the corner taker…who is now offside because the defense moved up. I mean, seriously…just have him do whatever it was you wanted him to do from the get go. You’re not fooling anyone.
That said, Manchester United did a “trick short corner” that was awesome and would’ve worked if the ref hadn’t been a moron. That’s the only time I’ve seen a short corner work, however, and it doesn’t count because it was a trick and ended up in a rekick anyways.
Amen. The short corner never works!
Robert van Persie’s
Yep, that’s about par for the course for Arsenal lately.
What I’d get rid of? “Away” goals in two-legged ties. Just do an aggregate score. Most goals over two legs wins. If it’s a tie at 180 minutes, just go right to penalties. Enough of this rubbish extra time. Just END IT.
While we’re talking about “hated” things:
-Oguchi Onyewu does something similar to the throw-in thing when he gets called for a foul; he picks up the ball and walks around with it, keeping the other team from setting up for the kick. I’d rather he stand in front of the ball; it just seems petty and childish. He’s not the only one who does this, but he’s the biggest offender.
-Manuel Almunia’s hair this season makes him look like he’s a diseased animal. It’s awful.
-I really, really hate it when a guy hard fouls someone and then pretends to have been injured in an effort to get out of the deserved yellow card on sympathy. Javier Mascherano does this all the time; I don’t mind the foul, but you should just take your card and be done.
Its funny when Gooch does it though because either:
A) Someone tries to take the ball from him, and Gooch absolutely manhandles cet player
or
B) No one at all tries to do anything about it because its Gooch…
running over someone like an 18wheeler and then wondering what the foul was.
kicking the opponents ball away on a set play, goes uncarded all the time
add to simulation when they hug the ball while rolling in pain…
throw-in delays, and standing in front of the ball usually only take 5-20 seconds from the match and do sometimes buy needed time for setup, i’ve never been bothered by this as with simulation
Some acts of gamesmanship are more hated than others, but here are a few things that drive me nuts:
- Purposefully falling on the ball when you’re fouled so that the play has to stop, no matter what.
- Advancing the wall inside the 10-meter safe zone on a free kick before the play starts. It’s petty, it’s not much of anything, but I can’t stand it.
- Whenever supporters throw items (streamers and less innocuous detritus) at players when they are getting ready to take a corner kick. You wouldn’t find this in any other sport without a stoppage of play and an appropriate penalty to the other team; why do we put up with it in soccer?
- Last, but not least, and an obvious point in today’s game: I hate that soccer has no timeline in place to implement technology into the officials’ arsenal to call the game correctly. Don’t tell me that it will lengthen the game too much; hockey uses replay for disputed goals, they’re done in 60 seconds, and it’s back to action. Whether it’s by HawkEye, by video replay, whatever – get it implemented.
Just an addendum to the “wall creeping up” complaint: it’s equally obnoxious when a kicker asks for ten yards and then, as the ref is walking it off, moves the ball a good yard backwards from where the ref started so he has more room to get a good bend in. I’m hoping the “South American Spray Paint” stuff gets implemented in the World Cup; the ref just sprays a line ten yards from the ball, which disappears a few minutes later. Fantastic.
Totally agree on the final point, there are multiple things that they could do to get a better system in place.
-An official up in the press box or something with a couple of monitors, a goal/non goal looks questionable, call up to that guy, if he’s got conclusive evidence he issues a reversal, if it’s too close to call, he doesn’t. It’d take about 30 seconds. It wouldn’t ruin the flow of the game more than an injury, a substitution, or most free kicks.
-This one is a little more out there, and I’m not 100% sure it can be done, but a ball implanted with RFID chips and sensors in both of the posts. RFID chips are thin enough that they could be implanted directly into the ball without weight or movement of the ball being impacted. If the RFID trips the sensor, the 4th official is notified and sends a message along that it was a goal or not. This is less perfect, but it would take next to zero time off the clock, and allow for quick reactions.
-Combine the two somehow and you’ve got a near perfect way to determine goals.
I second getting rid of the “away goals” rule. It’s completely ridiculous in my opinion.
I’ve always thought short corners were pointless, though I never hated them like you seem to. Funny thing is, I’m almost positive I was watching the BPL in August and one of the teams scored off of one. I was shocked.
[...] Even the ATD boys know that there are some things to hate about soccer. (ATD) [...]
The socks-over-the-knees comes from playing on astro-turf.