[phone rings]
Me: Hello Dad.
Dad: Yeah, you alright?
Me: Yeah, I’m good. You?
Dad: Well.
Me: Let me guess.
Dad: Now stop.
The newest Lillywhite
Me: Peter Crouch will help the club, Dad.
Dad: How do you know that? He’s been everywhere, he’s never won a damned thing, and he seems like a prat. Plus, he played at Liverpool…
Me: I know, I know. But look, he clearly likes Harry and enjoys playing with Defoe, so…
Dad: I don’t care if him and Harry are shagging, he’s pants. You know all he can do is head.
Me: But look, if they keep David Bentley, it’s a natural hookup. Bentley can cross, Crouch can head. Sometimes it’s not about who you bring in but how they can help others on your side.
Dad: For crying out loud, why does David Bentley need help? We broke the bank to pay for him too, and he was pants last year too. Just awful. I saw the goal against Arsenal and said to your Uncle James that it would be his only good moment for Spurs, and I was right.
Me: Yes, that story never gets old Dad. Listen, if they turn Darrent Bent into 15 million from Sunderland, then they can go out and get some help at the back. You know Ledley isn’t long for the game with his knees.
Dad: Ah, they could move Corluka in there if they have to, you know what they really need? They need someone with some bollocks like Palacios has. Another him would be good.
Me: He’s got a cousin, why not another midfielder. Spurs only have about 12 or so at this point. Lennon, Jenas, Huddlestone, Modric, Palacios, Bentley, O’Hara, Boateng, Bostock, Dos Santos…who am I forgetting?
Dad: Oh, you’re rich, you are. Between all the cup competitions and…
Me: And what, Dad? No Europe this season, it’s just Carling, FA and the League. Just like it always USED to be.
Dad: Why are you so hateful? Just because you support that rubbish down the High Street.
Me: Well, you’re wound up today. Listen, Crouchie will help. He’s professional, and Bent’s little “I can’t play with Pavs” act last year wasn’t going to fly. You now have Crouch, Defoe, Keane and Pavlyuchenko. That’s very solid. Bent will bring in some cash. You need another center half, and Chimbonda has to go. Once that’s done, who knows. Spurs are as solid as anyone outside the top four.
Dad: Yes, you’re right, I know. I just don’t understand Harry sometimes.
He doesn't understand you, either, Dad.
Me: Why don’t you ring him up and make him explain it to you. You’ve been there for 45 years, I think they owe you that at least.
Dad: If I had his number, I would. I’ve never understood this “I can’t play with so and so” business. You’re a professional. Deal with it.
Me: Preaching to the choir, Dad. Juande Ramos set the club back years with those decisions. I still don’t know what he was playing at.
Dad: He seemed smart enough to me. He lost the players, though, you could see it.
Me: I know, I could tell from here on telly. So what do you think? Liverpool?
Dad: I think it’s a terrible way to start. I’d rather see Burnley.
Me: Why?
Dad: If we win, everyone goes insane and feels we’re League champions. If we lose, it’s gloom and doom and “We’ll never be good enough”. If we draw, I’m happiest. It means we can play with them and they respect us.
Me: I guess I can sort of understand that, but I’d always rather have three points at home.
Dad: Sure, I’m no idiot, but you’re not in the pubs. People here are depressed. They need something to pick them up. Spurs beating that lot on opening day would be just a bit too much. We need baby steps to respectability, not giant leaps over Liverpool.
[an audible sigh, usually a sign that Dad has had enough of worrying about Tottenham Hotspur FC for one day]
Me: Dad. I promise you, things will be better this year.
Dad: You know, I think you’re right. And, oh, by the way. Don’t you EVER try to tell me again that you don’t love Spurs deep down. You do. You care as much or more than I do.
Me: Dad, I love you. I worry about YOU.
Dad: Yeah, sure.
[click]
/shakes head, pours ale…passes it to TYER
Here. You need this.
I’m not going to lie, I LOVE that your dad kept calling people ‘pants.’
Also, if I ever manage to get my butt back to the UK, I’m going to buy both of you a pint. As long as you don’t mind socializing with Yanks in public.
Annnnnnd just like that, ‘pants’ enters my vernacular in a whole new way.
The one thing Crouch *can’t* do is head, though. He’s much better at foot-based touches. He might get his head to balls that happen to be in the air, but he rarely adds any power or significant change of direction to them; in fact, he seems to soak up a lot of the power into that gangly frame, like a giant shock absorber, and the ball trickles weakly into the keeper’s arms.
Apparently it’s because he never learned to jump properly as a kid, because he didn’t need to, and thus he’s never developed the appropriate neck muscles/action. Tony Gardner used to be the same.
Definitely a good signing for us though. Plus Spurs murdered the spammers 1-0 in a stupid friendly cup competition in China today, so that should cheer your dad up. Must be about 8 games since they’ve beaten us now…
First thing tomorrow I’m revising my IDP to include “successfully work in “he seems like a prat” and “he’s pants” during UK conf calls by year end.” Finally, an attainable goal.